Roller Coaster Ride

It's been like a roller coaster to me recently. And I found out about a shocking news yesterday afternoon and I've been in a bad mood since. there's actually so many things I want to say but it's all tangled up in my mind so I don't really know how to spit it out point by point.
umm..
well, school is starting to get nuts due to the final test for 12th grade that's coming up. there's so many assigments but I really don't want to do it. And this time there's nothing pushing me to study harder and be more dilligent. you know how my mother used to say that I'm so lazy and stupid? that really pissed me off and I studied like crazy because I thought if my grede's are up then she would shut up. As you all know I became the 2nd best in the class on the last semester. well,, she shut up about that, all right but what I don't expect is that she starts whinning about something else. Now she is crazy about keeping my grades and making it better if it's possible. And she just found out that in some university the first and second best in school will get a 50% discount for the admission fee. But what I really can't believe is that she actually uses God to make me obey her. She said that in life we have to obey God and making parents happy is one of the things that God says. And if I save up some money for univ it would make her happy. So to sum up if I save up money I am obeying God's word. Seriously I don't even know what's right anymore after hearing that.
umm,, and the thing that really made my mood drop yesterday.. I still can't figure out a way to talk about it yet. And to tell you the truth, I don't want to talk about it. It's been too long since I first talked about it. I just really don't understand why am I so disturbed when I found out. I want this to end. And I thought it HAD end. Maybe that's why I was shocked yesterday. And maybe the other factor is the way I found out. It's as if he wanted to brag about his victory. But not even his world is that perfect. His plan must take a little detour because of an unexpected inccident. Or maybe not so unexpected if what my friend think is true. Well, me and my friend is having a bet about it. I think his plan would ends well and she thinks otherwise. So we're having a bet and the winner is going to be treated. But if I win, I won't claim my reward. If his plans goes well then it would definitely be the end for all of this disaster, and that's all I'm asking for. But then again, maybe I'm too naive. Maybe it will get worse instead. Well, I guess only time will tell..
In the mean time, I guess I should talk about something that makes my mood good too.
Well,, I think a karma caught up with me.
Since the 8th grade, all of my friends became crazy about suju, DBSK, 2PM, BigBang, etc, etc, etc. And since I could remember, I used to mock them ALL THE TIME. I was the girl who instantly shuts up in a conversation when korean popsingers is on the topic. I was the girl who rolls up my eyes everytime I heard someone talk so eagerly about how gorgeous the band members are. And I never been able to distingquish the faces of the singers. They seemed to have the same face to me.
Well,, I think now I become one of them. lol.
My sister went home from work one day and she suddenly listens to a korean song and laughing crazily at a movie she brought home. Turns out she's infected with the Super Junior desease. And it finally caught up with me too. It's just that they're so funny! They're in many shows and it just makes me laugh non stop. litteraly. what I like best are Exploration of Human Body (EHB) and Intimate note. sadly SuJu is having a rough time recently. There're even rumors that they're splitting up. I hope that will never happen. T.T ugh, if I knew I would be like this I would just be their fans years ago. I'm 5 years late, for crying out loud!
mm, OK then, I guess that's all for today. I'm going to my granny's house to celebrate an early chinese new year. And valentine's coming up too (ugh), so I need to buy some chocolate for my friends. This year, to avoid dissapointment from getting less chocolate than I give, I asked my friends to exchange chocolate with me instead. haha, lets find out how that went. ttyl.
k-

Trendsetter

OK, I think I gain a little more confidence. I actually uploaded my designs to facebook 2 days ago and I got quite many possitive review. and I already put hair on my drawings so I guess it's time to upload the pictures to here too.. ok then, here goes..

awesome isn't it? especially the last one. you know, the funny thing about the last design was that it was supposed to be the back side of the design above it. and I only do a very rough sketch for the figure. But after making the bow and the skirt, I suddenly thought that it was way to good to be a back side of something, so I made a new design instead.

but despite of all of the satisfaction,, I think this would be the last time I upload my drawings on this blog. I just feel that it's too commercial. And it feels like I boast for something I'm don't even really master. And also I made this blog in the first place to show my feelings and emotion that I couldn't tell or show to anyone else. So IF I am ready to be a fashion blogger I will probably make another blog just for that.

And there's actually something I want to tell you about related to this thing. Well, I think we can established that I am a super-sensitive person who can exagerate even the most unimportant thing. SO lets put a pin on it for a minute and pretend that I wasn't exagerating.

the last view days I felt weird. It's like I'm not even me anymore. I've made way more friends in those very short moment. But I realized that I also became easier to be upset with someone and I wasn't as affraid as I used to to show it. And I actually KNOW why am I upset with those people. I realized that I don't like it when people are childish, selfcentered and inconsiderate. And somehow there are A LOT of people with that criteria. Just with different amount of portion and fortunatelly almost all of them are barely noticable. But the problem is the people with the amount of portion that is hardly bearable. Arghh, I don't even know how to explain it. And I can't. Because every now and then people actually read this blog and if the wrong person decided to read my blog in the wrong time that person is going to tell the person I was dying to tell you about. All that I can say is that I hate people who ACT or even BELIEVE that they are kind but actually hurt people. people that IS kind. ughh,, there's just so much I need tell. I guess I just have to get it out another way. ugh, way to have a blog. you know I made this blog because I was a very unimportant person back then and I thought, "sure, I'll just make a blog. Who am I anyway? No one is going to be interested with my blog". Well that just bite me right back, doesn't it? Ugh, I guess I'll just have to move on to the next thing. Well, it's about the title actually. You know, since I was little, I ever dreamt about being a trendsetter. heck, maybe every girl has ever dreamt about it. I mean, I just thought that it would be cool if everyone doing or wearing similiar things because of me. I just never expected that even the tiniest portion of it would be this... iritating. again, stick a pin to my exageration. and again, I can't really tell you what exactly I'm talking about. I guess there's such thing as insecure people. I just need to find another way to get all of this out. maybe I'll just go to the counceling room.

And there's actually something else I need to tell. I failed to join the student commite. again. And it is mainly my fault, really. I wasn't ready. Or I've been asking my information from the wrong person. You know, I just found out today that there was actually a one-year-plan paper for last year's commite. it got all of the information from all of the area. including the area I applied. there were all this programme and even who's in charge of the programme. I wasn't blaming anybody, really. Maybe the paper mustn't be leaked for all of the applients. And the people who got in really deserve it. It just made me think. If I knew about this paper, and it made me a lot more ready to face the interview, would I be the one who got in? I guess I'll never know. And my chances are up too, anyway. So let's just forget about it.

haha, so much for even try to be possitive, aren't I??

a person who's strugling to be the person she want's to be.

K-

Fashion 101

hi blog.

today I was planing to make this post about fashion. mm,, I'm having second thoughts.

Actually I want to upload my creations from looket and my own drawings. but the drawings are still screwed and need some touch-ups. I guess today I'm just gonna upload my drawing..

aaa,, confident much??!? ugh, I guess I'm not ready to have anything to do with fashion if I don't even have the confidence to upload my own creations. for all of my friends whom already done this kind of stuff before me, or even have already became a fashoin blogger, I salute you. you girls are just awesome for even have the courage to do it. and you guys are really awesome too..

hmph, you know what, never mind. there's a first time for everything, right? this is my style and I like it. the drawings still coming later, though. there's something that doesn't feel right and one of em doesn't even have hairs yet. And who knows, maybe I'll have enough confedence to put on my own photos..

ok, here goes. the pictures position are based on which I made first.

n.b. ignore the names of the issue. I know I do.. lol

n.b. 2 if you read this, please, please, please, comment. I would mean the world to me. well, I may have slightly exagerate about the world part, but you know what I mean...

OK, then, I think that's all for today.. I'll try to give more of this kind of post to this blog.. and this will be the first post since I made this blog to have tags on them. yeeyyyy~ lol, talk about gatting excited about unnessesary things..

TTFN~
K-

condescendingly

Hi blog.
OK, maybe today's blog post has absolutely nothing to do with the title. but recently I've been crazy about that particular word. I'll tell you why in a moment.
well, this was actually supposed to be posted right after the post before this.. you know, the one which I said would be filled with loads of idiocity? well, late is better than nothing at all, right? lol
Ok, straight to the main point then.. So, whom could it possibly that I'm telling you about if I'm talking about idiocity? well, the real question is, whom else? He's the only one who can make me feel this weird, sensitive, stupid feeling. you're probably tired of keep hearing about him, and believe me, I'm also tired of typing anything else about him. but this time's quite an important term of event and I really need to get it out.
well,, I think I found out something something about him recently. It's like he's subsconciously keep pulling me everytime I tried to forget about him. It's like he pushed me to keep liking him, then marched his love affairs with her in front of my nose. Let to see my became miserable and alone. the same accident involving this topic happened twice. both including the same three parties, and the same stairs. It would be such a long story if I tell both but in an eggshell, I was both smiling at someone in both incident when he suddenly either right in front of me or walking exactly between the both of us. of course both incident ended with me looked like smiling at him. ugh, I just can't describe his face expression. it's like he saw a dead rat all covered with blood and intestants inside out with maggots all over it. and to top all of these things, I actually done a VERY stupid thing at smak 5 cup. so, basicly I was talking -loudly- about him, half saying that I want to talk to him; half just calling him names for ignoring me. then I didn't really remember why I did it but I looked back, and there he was, staring at me. It ruined me pretty badly. I can't sleep for 2 days and I didn't even dare to catch a glance of him for the whole week.
thankfully the moment had passed for it's been 2 weeks since it happened. surprisingly we're back to our staring state. but this time we are more frontal about our stare. and none of us look away. maybe it's because the reason was no longer fascination but hatred and prestige. I just don't know what to do anymore. it's not like I can be with him if I keep this feeling. And even if there's a miracle happened and we are together, it's not like we're gonna last long. he's leaving next year. every possibilities hit a dead end but I just can't completely get him out of my life.
eh. what the heck.

OK, about the title now.. I'm recently crazy about John Mayer. X) I think he's a really good musician. I was listening to one of his song which I rated weird at first but after I know what it's about, it directly became one of my favourite songs. The song entitled 'No Such Thing'. It has a weird begining because the intro was quite mellow and it suddenly turned into an upbeat song. But it what makes it unique I guess. The song is about just taking it easy and not to be a too obidient person. here, I'll just give you the lyrics so you'll know what it's really about.

No Such Thing

by. John Mayer

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me

Condescendingly

Take a seat

Take your life

Plot it out in black and white

Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings

And the drama queens

I'd like to think the best of me

Is still hiding up my sleeve

They love to tell you stay inside the lines

That something's better on the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world

just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track

Faded white hats grabbing credits

Maybe transfers

They read all the books but they can't find the answers

And all of our parents

They're getting older

I wonder if they've wished for anything better

While in their memories

Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you stay inside the lines

But something's better on the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world

Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible (x3)As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world

Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion

I'm gonna bust down the double doors

And when I stand on these tables before you

You will know what all this time was for

So, you see where did I get this "condescendingly" madness? (check the second line) lol

condescedingly means to behave as if you think you are better than everyone else. it's a retty deep word isn't it? what's what I love about american singers. they take their songs seriously.

Ahh, another thing about american greatness. Their TV series. I watched Gossip Girl recently and I think it was just awesome. I know I'm like 2 years late but, again, batter late than never, right? :P

OK, I thnk that's all for today.. I'm really sleepy right now..

X.O.X.O.

K-

travel "around the world"

Happy New Year!! sorry I'm 12 days late. I was too enjoying the last days of holiday that I don't get a chance to write on blog. I think today I'm gonna need two post to tell about what happened recently. this part one is the happy part. the part where I told the story about my holiday in malaysia.. the second one will be more dreadful, and full of idiocity. well, here goes..

As I may recall, I went to malaysia on the 29th. After I arrived, the tour guide dirrectly assist us to genting highlands. It was one of the most amazing, and the coldest place I've ever visited. Thank goodness I wore my boots with me.. You know, when I first got to malaysia, it was in KL, and it's like 100 degrees in there so I looked like a really stupid country girl or something. But when I got to Genting, I was the only one in my family who doesn't complain about the cold. well, at least not yet. Genting's really suitable to be called highlands. It is litterally above the clouds. you know, I was actually wondering on the plane what it's like to be on the clouds.. After this trip, there's nothing to wonder anymore. I personally felt what it's like to be IN the clouds. nothing's too special, really.. turns out clouds are simillar to fogs in many way.

anyway, I stayed for two days in Genting and I found some fascinating things there. You know there are SO many cute guys there. And there's one that I particularlly like. he's a waiter at a restaurant. And he's definitely my type. tall, good looking, wear glasses, thin, easy-going, and he has this heavy-calming voice. and he's a waiter so he's very skillful. nice too.

well, with all the cute-boys aside, I really enjoyed my time there.. And my cousin introduced me to the most delicious drink in the world. Blended caramel cream from Starbucks.. mmm...

and I also took some picture and somehow they don't look like malaysia much. It's like I traveled around the world.. lol

Oh, and I also expirienced, maybe one of the dullest new year's in my life. it started out great, really.. me, my sis, and two of my cousin went to a cafe and ordered some drinks. there's even a bit riot because we thougth we were locked in a mall (it was 10.30 and there were nobody else there). But then we found an exit and we laughed in releave. But at about 11.30 we were bored and a bit disturbed by the situation there. in the place the so-called DJ only played up-beat songs like I gotta feeling and boom boom pow and played it over and over again.. Please, even I can do better than that! So we decided to go back to the hotel room and watch the fireworks from my cousin's room because her room got the twin towers view. The plan was actually to celebrate new year together but somehow our parents stayed on the lobby. So, there we are.. three girls who watched fireworks from a hotel room. Try to lightened up the mood by drinking from alchohol glass (it was filled with mineral water.. =P). The fireworks beautiful though..

I also bought a view things on the trip. I buy a new purse, a jeans vest by mango, a t-shirt from esprit, and a very cute velvet bag.

hmm,, I guess that's all I wanna talked about for now.. the second part's coming tomorrow.

night.

This Year's Last Posting. *Happy Christmas!*

Hi blog. It's me again. Before I start talking about something else, I just wanna say
HAPPY CHRISTMAS!! GBU all~ X)
sorry I was late to tell this. but anyway, don't you think it's a bit weird that I typed 'happy' instead of 'merry'? well, if you don't know it yet, people from USA said merry and british people said happy. But I didn't typed 'happy' because I wanna follow the british culture (though british english is very unique and the accent is unbelievebly sexy. lol). I just think that happy is a more sutable word to be paired with christmas. when I hear the word 'merry', I think about party, gathering of people. It describes a situation where there's a lot of celebration. I'm not here to preach you or anything, and I'm not saying that celebration is a bad thing, but please! that's completely contast with the origin of christmas itself! what about people that is fighting to survived on the streets? what about people who can't even say to their children that they don't have anymore money to buy food? can they say 'merry'? so I think 'happy' is the right word to say.. and that's what christmas is about. christmas is about the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ. And even if you got a whole bunch of troubles, you can still feel the joy that it brings.
OK, I guess that's all about christmas.. man, what got into me, until I can write all of this. haha
Moving to the next highlight then..
You know, this post is a new inovation for me. This is the first post that was written first on my mobile phone then copied to the web on computer. Why, you asked, did I do such useless thing? Well, that's because I have a weirder sleeping disorder lately. I rarely sleep at night now. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm having such weird dreams, they make me fell so uncomfortable while I sleep. I ended up waking up for several times during the nights. You know that feeling when you're sleeping but it's like your mind is still running so you got the feeling that you're still awake? Yeah, that's what I feel every night. EVERY NIGHT. It really sucks, because now I live like bats. I wake up at nights and sleep at afternoons. I hope this would all just stop. Maybe I should eat some sleeping pills or something..
By the way, I tried to go on detox yesterday. It got screwed up big time. rofl =P. Well,, it actually started of great. I woke up at 11 so I don't have to eat breakfast, then my mother give me some steamed carrot for me to eat. At first I really like the carrots. I felt sweet. But after half of it, I started to hate the taste. It's really really weird. But I ate three quarters anyway. then my mother gave me the biggest fuji apple I've ever seen. And I don't know if it's breaking the rule or not, but I also drink a glass of cold milk too. The first drop of the milk is like seeing an oasis in the desert. haha, OK, maybe I exagerated, but it really does taste good. After that I decided to go for a nap. I woke up about 3 hours later and I really felt sick at that time. my throat is sore, my lips are dry, and my stomach kinda hurt. After about 30 minutes, of struggling, I just lost it. I ran to my mother's room to grab korean instant noodles and cooked it right away. After I finnished eating it, I saw that my father is eating gado-gado and tahu telor. So I just dig in to that too.. To sum up, my detox was a complete failure. lol.
By the way, I think this would be the last post for the year.. I'm going to malaysia on the 29th and will be returned on january the 2nd. Thank you for listening to me fussing and whinning for this whole year. I hope you can deal with me again next year. lol.
I guess I'll be off now. starting to get sleepy. nighty-night my sweet blog.. ^^


N.B. my mother just barge in to my room. I thought she was just checking if I'm already asleep, but then she went into my sister's room. Thank God I need to pee suddenly(my room doesn't have restroom so I have to go to my sis's), coz when I got to the room, my mother just flip out and trying to hide something from me. I didn't see it, but I got a very strong feeling when I see the color and how small the thing my mother took. She directly got out from my sister's room, still trying to hide it, and I followed her. She got to her room and tried to closed the door, but I just pushed the damn thing open and I took it from my mother's hands. It was my sister's cell phone.
me and my sister's SO CALLED mother is trying to read every sms and calls from my sister's phone. How snoopy is that??!? ->(snoopy as in 'kepo' in indonesian, not snoopy the dog. =P)
After I got the phone I ran to my room and locked the door immediately because my mother's chasing me.
Now I remembered she and my sister had a big fight about a month ago because my sister saw two missed calls on 4 a.m.(!!!) from her cell to the stupid ridiculous guy that my mother tries to set her up with. My sister clearly said that she doesn't like him from the very begining. And he doesn't seem to be intrested too with my sister (besides the fact that he told his parents that he like my sister. or does his parents tries to set him up too?? ugh, I don't care which, both just make his parents stupid and ridiculous too). At first my mother lied to save her ass. But, as always, her stories changed everytime she tells it and she finally confessed that she "accidentally" called him. twice.
So this means tonight is not the first time my mother stole my sister's cell. and to think that it happened since about a month ago. Seriously, WHAT IS HER PROBLEM??!? She doesn't have the right to do that, even if she's our mother. HUMAN NEEDS PRIVACY. She always meddle on everthing (and by everything, I mean, EVERYTHING) in our live but this is completely over the line.
hmm, I think I'm going to have a new phobia if this keeps on.. Right now I'm already terrified that I'm gonna go through the exact same thing when I'm 22 or so and don't have a boyfriend. But, I already decide that if it does happen, I'm gonna move out immediately. I will be working by then and I can take my own steps. Or maybe I'll be working on other country coz all my dad talks about now is sending me off to aussie for univ.. One way or another, I will not just stand by if I'm treated like how my sister is treated now.
OK, I think I'm too excited to write about this.. It was supposed to be a note and it's probably longer that the actual post. maybe I should rethink on when I could use the term 'N.B.' on this blog..
alrighty then, this time's for real. I'm off now. But I don't think I'll be sleeping a view moments after this. my mother's still checking every now and then if I'm asleep yet so she can continue.. ugh, I don't even know what it's called.

you know what, this is just to much for me. I need some sleep.
bye.
muachh
-k ^^

A letter for my brother

Dear brother,
I wish you were here. Today is a very special day. Today is the day of my baptism confirmation. Today I renewed my oath that I will only serve God, and God only.. I was so scared.
I wish you were here, so you're the one whom accompanied me to church and help me practice to say what to say correctly.
I wish you were here, so you could say that I have to calm down, that there's nothing to be afraid of.
I wish you were here, so you could hold my hand when I almost cried because I was so overwhelmed.
I wish you were here, so I wouldn't feel so alone on the ceremony.
I wish you were here, so you could watch me and my friends sing our hearts out as a gift to God.
I wish you were here, so you could just walk towards me and smile nonchalantly when the ceremony's finished to hug and congratulate me.
I wish you were here, so we could take a picture together after the ceremony.
I wish you were here, so we could eat and laugh together with our whole family at our home.
I wish you were here, so you would backed me up and calmed me down when one of the peeps upset me.
I wish you were here, and you would remember to turn the timer on my air conditioner's so I wouldn't feel scorching and went to our parents' room to cool down.
I wish you were here, so you could watch movies with me earlier.

I really wish you were here...
But you're not.
'cause you don't even exist...

So I'm just gonna petend that you are here. I'm gonna pretend that you're with me the whole time today. I'm gonna pretend that you were at the church too, and you smiled at me everytime I turned back. and I'm gonna pretend that I didn't cried because I wish you were there.
And I'm gonna pretend that you are here, right here, right now. And you are asking why am I taking so long with the computer. Then you realize that I'm writing on my blog and tries see what's it about. And you're so excited-and a bit proud-when you know that you're the one I writes about. You try to type something too but I just push you with my elbow then I pout and tell you to just sit properly. And now you hug me and smile as I type this. And you said that it's late and I really need some sleep. And you wanna know something? I think I'm gonna follow your advice.

Sweat dreams,

your little sister

P.S. you are punished because you're such a busy-body, wanting to know what's on my post. So you'll have to accompany me to sleep. And you can't fall asleep until I do. So you have to try and make me fall asleep before you sleep yourself. What? you're asking me how?? I don't know. maybe tell bedtime stories and sing lullaby to me? Or maybe just hug me and say that you will always be with me even after I fall asleep, and still be here for me when I wake up. That's enough for me. In fact, that's more than enough. That is all that matters...