The Unknown World of Social and Science

3 days ago, on Friday the 12th of June, I got my raport card.. well, my hard work paid off.. I can get in both social class and science class.. you know, before the final test I couldn't even get in the social class.. my history grade wasn't very good.. so, for the final test I worked my ass off to study for that particular subject.. back then I thought I wanted to get in the social class REALLY bad.. but when I got the results, somehow everything changed.. well, my mother isn't and has never supported me to get in the social class because of her dreams to have 1 child in the science class. and because back then my sister has no choice but to choose social, guess who's burden with her dreams now? the thing about my mother is that she will do anything to make what she wants happens.. and by anything, I meant ANYTHING. first she told me about that 'dream' of hers, then she started suggesting me to get in to science, suggesting for me to be a doctor or mechanic and/or any job that specialize in science. then when I told her that whatever she said I would still choose social, she changed her plans.. she stared whining about how I'm incompetent and doesn't have what it takes to pick social.. I don't know if that's really what she believes in or so, but it started to give an effect on me.. and also, thanks to her now my father and sister is also telling me the advantages of being in the science class.. well, that friday, I decided to keep choosing social. but today, when I returned my raport card to school and I have to confirmed my choice, though I said social, I had doubts in my heart.. I started to think, what if they're right? what if I DO belong in science class? and the more that I think, I found more reasons NOT to pick social.. well, I'm sure everyone who's reading this blog knows about my history with someone in my class.. yep, my four-years-combo classmate. up till now I'm still confused about what kind of feelings do I have for him.. is it crush? love? or just solidarity for a long time aquantence? well, the word is he picked social. and that's what finally hit me. what if I chose social so I know that there's at least a chance for us to be classmates again? and that's not all. I've had some bad times with a certain 'gank' and almost everybody in that gank chose social.. well, I had the bless not being classmates with them last year. with the smaller range, I don't think I'll be lucky this year too..

You know guys, when I was in that dillema, a dear friend told me, that I shouldn't think about all those thing. I shouldn't think about whom I want (or doesn't want) to be my classmate. nor should I think about what my parents say. sure, they pay for school and all, but it's still my life, not theirs. so I have to make a desicion that depends on what I want, not theirs. and about the classmate thing, she told me that it's just going to be a little obstacles. a little rock that accidently gets in your shoes..
well, that's not exactly what she said, but I think being a little dramatic wouldn't hurt anybody, would it? lol

well, what she said really made my eyes opened.. I started collecting my notes of math, chemist, biology, and phisics. It really brought back a lot of memories.. both good and bad. memories that made me laugh and cry, happy and angry. I guess, I'm just not ready to give up on those subject. I guess I'm just not ready to move on from those memories. after I finnished looking at them, I put them in my cabinet. Then, I don't know what got into me, but suddenly I wanted to hear songs from my mobile.. and I also didn't play it on my playlist as usual, but from the song folders with random playlist. the first song I heard was Catch the Sun, by Jamie Cullum. it wasn't the first time I heard it before, and it's really not a sad song. rather funny, one could say. but when I got to the line "Catch the sun, before it's gone..", I started crying. and I cried good. when the song's finished and I thought the weird emotional phase was over, A Beautiful Mess is on. well, that song always can make me weep when I feel blue.. well, if you think all of the make-you-weep song over, then I'm going to tell you something. Coincidences is a way of God telling his unknown plans. And if He wants me to cry all night, then there's nothing in the world that could stop Him. after A Beautiful Mess, Absolutely Zero comes out, then Life Is Wonderful, and after that Love Is Real walked in. well, while I'm in my crying because of I don't know what, I decided on one thing. It's time for me to grow up. I have to let go of some to get some more back. If I can't let go of the past, then I can't possibly have the guts to try to make a better future. there are many things up ahead and I have to concentrate on it. I'm not saying that I'm going to litteraly forget about the past, but I just have to learn not to let them bug me doing what I need to do right now. So, when I thought I'm ready, I stopped crying, ended it with Live High, then I opened my laptop to write this.
Well, right at this moment, when I type this, the clock says it's already 12:42. So why do I type this blog now when I have to wake up very early tomorrow? well, I want this blog to be a reminder for me. for every time in the future when I don't have the mood to study, for every moment that I think I made a wrong desicion, I want this post to remind me that I have decided I want to be in the social class. that I have decided I'm in because this is what I want. and I decided I'm going to take full responsible for it and I'm going to study like hell. So, that's that..

Ah yes, also, I heard some shocking news about people that doesn't make it on friday. you know, for some of them, I thought they could make it. And I want to apologize to all of you. If I didn't contact you at all, it's not because I don't care. Nor because I for hadgotten about you. But because I don't know what to say. It's because I still think that you guys could've made it. So, I sincerely apologize for my behaviour this view days.

God bless.
-kirana